im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm at about main and main street
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Randomize
