My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
