Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
