I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i drank out of a bidet.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
