I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
