Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip πππ
Your skills amaze me
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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