Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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