Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
