Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
