we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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