youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
