theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
God gave him joint rollers for hands
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
