Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
