Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
