the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You should frame my arrest warrant.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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