So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Sext me about skeletons
Dick very happy bro
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
