I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
