I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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