I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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