You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
