she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
