Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Soap is not a condiment
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
pop tarts are not kleenex
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
