Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
