The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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