Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
