She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
