I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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