never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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