you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
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I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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