the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
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We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
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A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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