Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
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