I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
