suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
