Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
