i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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