Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Randomize
