so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
