So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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