so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
The best revenge is premature balding
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Randomize
