I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
