I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
