I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
