i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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