I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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