the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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