I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
God I need to hump something, right now.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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