Pants 0. Shit 1.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
