After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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