You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
