could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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