I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
