Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
