How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
