his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
