so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
