i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
