I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
