i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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